T is for Tourist

Let's be honest- things have been really difficult the past few days/weeks. Brian and I seem to be getting pushed to our limits over and over again lately, and it's starting to take its toll on our self esteem. I don't want to write a ranting blog about how it just feels like one disaster after another… just want to explain to everyone back home a little bit of what's going on in our minds.

In case anyone reading this didn't see this on Facebook, our car got stolen. We are about an hour north of Dunedin, in Oamaru, filled with small town charm, friendly people, and a beautiful Victorian precinct filled with historic buildings. We really like it here and as soon as we arrived we tried to think of ways we could extend our stay. Luckily, the cute hostel we're staying in was looking for 2 people to work for accommodation, and they were able to take us on and give us a room in exchange for 2 hours of cleaning a day. On Friday night when we went to bed, our car was parked in the free lot behind our building, and when we were changing beds over on Saturday morning we noticed our car was missing. The manager called the police for us and they came over and spoke to us.

A lot of emotions were going through our heads when this happened; surprise was actually not one of them. Car theft in this town is nearly unheard of, and the crime rate in general is very low… but this senseless act of crime seems to fit into the picture of our experience here the last few months. While we were trying to process what happened, a journalist from the Oamaru Mail asked to interview us about what had happened. Not discussing or thinking it over at all, we agreed, and regretted it greatly the next day as we made the front page story. The writing was abysmal, facts were incorrect, and quotes were used out of context for dramatic effect. We were instantly made into local celebrities. Big mistake.

Again, we felt taken advantage of. Our story, made into drama for a town with not much going on… by a reporter who can't even write well and is starved for material (last week the front page story was "Hundreds of pies go missing," I kid you not). The article made yesterday an even more difficult day for us than Saturday when we found out about the car… because it got to the core of what's really been bothering us about being here. Being slapped with the backpacker/tourist label is horrible in New Zealand, because that culture itself has become such a nuisance here. Everywhere you go, every cafe, museum, park, and street is crawling with backpackers. A lot of them are on their gap year after high school, and the main age group is 18-22 year olds. Some of them are irresponsible, immature, messy, and don't take care to respect the locals in a country that's not their own. But that's not all backpackers, not by any means. Regardless of age, many are kind, mature, respectful, and generally appreciative to be able to travel such a beautiful country. Still, it must be hard for Kiwis to differentiate, and assess each traveler on a case-by-case basis, so instead we all get lumped into a group. I get it, believe me; I don't think I'd be able to live in such a small, unpopulated country that felt overrun with tourists 365 days a year… but some of us are just trying to blend into society, make a life for ourselves here. That's what Brian and I are trying to do.

It seems like there's just no way around getting treated differently, being viewed in a certain way, and in some instances, taken advantage of. Sometimes it feels like that's what happens, in a way, especially with the way we've been put on the back burner by many of the police officers we've had to deal with between our two incidences. Employers, the way they seem to pay the bare minimum for any job they've offered, and always find ways to cheat us (in both apple thinning and at the Store). And let's not forget the mechanics, who see dollar signs when two tourists come in and don't necessarily know how the system works (or have knowledge about cars…). The point is, we just want to blend in. We want to spend our year living and working, and learning, and finding our niche here, not just passing through towns on an epic drive through every last bit of this country. That's just not our style.

Please don't get me wrong, for as many of the times we've felt taken advantage of, there have been many acts of kindness to make up for it. So many people have been wonderful to us since we've been here; hosting us, taking us in with their families, and showing their concern for our wellbeing after the theft of our car. It's not that I think New Zealand or its inhabitants are bad, it's just getting so exhausting  being treated differently all the time. If we kept our mouths shut and didn't carry any extra bags with us, no one would look at us twice here; physically we fit in just fine… but more often than not it feels like we're wearing a shirt with a big red "T" embroidered on the front.

The car theft left us with lots of questions, the most obvious one being "what now?". Besides a few basic "city" clothes items, toiletries, my computer, and our daypacks, everything else was in the car. I know, I know, we should know better than to leave everything in the car after the first time… but our room in the hostel is so tiny, it was cluttered enough as it was without our big suitcases and a bunch of extra clothes/gear in the room. The loss of our camping gear (a few things had been replaced since that first incident) presented a problem for our previous plan to head to Queenstown and do the Routeburn track. It's also getting bitingly cold, already, and we're not even to the most southern part of country yet and it's only autumn… and without our camping clothes and boots/tents/sleeping bags, hiking in this weather is just not going to happen. The thought of leaving the country was a serious consideration in my mind. Maybe this is my breaking point; maybe my time here finally has been soured by numerous unforeseen problems… but if we left, where would we go? To go home would be embarrassing, wouldn't it? Admitting defeat? In a country that should be (and for most people IS) so easy to live in… Not to mention the thought of having to start from scratch soooo much earlier (years, in fact) at home than I planned is just too daunting to even consider. What about moving to another country 5 months early? The fact is, thinking about leaving here is overwhelming, because right now I feel like I don't know what I want out of this experience abroad anymore.

It's also hard being away from home when these unforeseen disasters strike… I can't help but wonder to myself every time something goes wrong, "would this be nearly as big of a deal if I were at home?". Being so far away from my friends and family is hard when you just want to get lots of hugs and have people tell you they care about you, and that it's going to be ok. Sometimes when we go through hard times it feels like we don't belong anywhere anymore; we don't fit in here, and there isn't a place for us at home anymore. I know, I know, there is always a place for us at home, but sometimes being so far away from everyone it's easy to forget that, and to kind of feel forgotten.

I need to get centered again. Brian and I have been talking this situation to death; taking turns being sad, frustrated, angry, embarrassed, comforting, optimistic, and hopeful. Words can't express how thankful I am to have Brian here with me, as a support system and someone to help keep me sane. But we're tired of talking about this, tired of thinking of it, and tired of that nagging question in the back of our minds, "it couldn't really get worse… could it?". If i'm trying to see the silver lining, it's that we eliminated our overabundance of stuff without having to go through a sorting process. I've been having a lot of trouble letting go of stuff that I feel I'll need… and now that's all been done for me. Living more simply and without a heavy load will be really good for us. I'm also learning not to get upset when things don't go according to plan. I don't expect anything anymore; things are just going to happen and I need to get on board with that. My friend Lindsay is coming to visit today, and I know her being here will lift our spirits a lot. We may have to change the plans we had for while she's here, but we will make it work.

And this morning, we got a call from the police saying our car has been found. It's in Dunedin, and all we know so far is that "it looks ok" and "the gear is no longer in it." You'd have thought we would have been ecstatic after getting that call, but the truth is, we'd both accepted and begun to look forward to not having a car anymore. Plus, let's be honest, that car is nothing but a curse to us, and I really don't want anything to do with it after all this. Hopefully it's still in good condition and hasn't been trashed inside, and we can sell it and move on with our lives. Not holding out hope for my stolen stuff, but I'll be keeping an eye out on TradeMe (like craigslist) for my brand new, yet-to-be-worn hiking boots. ;) Brian took the bus to Dunedin a couple of hours ago to try to get it all sorted out, and we'll make a decision in the next few days.

I hope I've been able to explain a little bit of what we're thinking and feeling about our time here… it's hard to put it all into words. The last 7 months have gone against my expectations in lots of ways, for better or for worse. I have thought about giving up, then kicked myself for wanting to give up, then kicked myself for kicking myself because I think it's most people's basic instinct to want to run home when everything feels like it's going wrong… but I just have to keep holding onto the hope that things are going to get better for us. I don't want to forget about all the wonderful times we've had here, all the beauty we've seen, and all the kindness we've encountered. And even if I sometimes feel like maybe New Zealand just doesn't agree with us (actually it's more the other way around), I don't want to walk away with a bad taste in my mouth. There are still 5 more months to make more friends, see more places, and have new experiences.

Thank you to anyone who's offered kind words to us through it all, and please know that although it was questionable for a couple of days there, we are working on staying positive and putting this all behind us. I also want to apologize to anyone at home who I haven't kept in good touch with; I'm learning more than ever how much it means to get an email or a message saying "I'm thinking about you," so I'm going to try to be better at doing that myself. I miss you all at home very much! Hope all is well, and I promise my next blog post will be much more upbeat. :)